I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
