i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
