apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
