i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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