apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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