I'm sorry my penis didn't work
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
