he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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