Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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