dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
