A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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