Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
