I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
