If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
