Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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