it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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