idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
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