new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just made my gag reflex go away.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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