Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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