Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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