Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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