I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
