Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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