I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
