the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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