I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
