His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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