please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
