paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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