I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
