upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
