Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
