She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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