my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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