You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
