watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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