I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
