May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
