omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
