Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
