When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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