I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
