i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
