I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
