make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
