so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
