News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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