Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
