if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
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