I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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