The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
